My Journey as the Wife of a Marine

I am an optimistic person.  I try to only speak positive things about myself, others, and life.  I do not want to appear that I am focusing on the negative things about Tony’s transition home.  However, due to feedback from my readers, I am going to write about what is hard about the reunification for me.

Although this is our 3rd deployment together, it was our first as a married couple.  I had to learn to be self sufficient and independent while he was away.  I have been used to making my own plans, basically doing what I wanted to when I wanted to.  Now, I have to learn to take his interests/plans/opinions into consideration.  While he was away, I was the one who made all the decisions, from what I should eat that night, to who to have paint the front porch, to who to take the car to for repair.  I made decisions effortlessly, as needed, no consult required.  Or, no consult possible.  Sometimes I wouldn’t hear from Tony for weeks, so asking his opinion on things wasn’t practical, nor was it important to him at the time, so I didn’t bother him with details like that.  Now that Tony is back in the States, I need to include him in decision making, and to some degree I defer to his decisions as head of our household.  It’s not all up to me anymore.

I tried to stay very busy when he was away, for my own peace of mind and sanity.  Now, I want to spend as much time with him as I can, and so being with him has become my priority.  That is another piece I have been struggling with-not smothering him.  I have to reach a balance point, where I spend time with him, but am still maintaining my friendships and my independence.  I have to be careful to not lose touch with my friends now that he is home and not overwhelm him with wanting to be with him all of the time.

As with any married couple, there are things about Tony that drive me crazy.  The honeymooning part of him coming home has worn off, and so now those things drive me crazy again.  For instance, he loves certain tv shows that I can’t stand.  So, watching these tv shows annoys me (and he likes to have the tv on for background noise, which I can’t stand either).  He did laundry the one day, and folded the towels.  When I went to get a hand towel later, the towels were folded “wrong”.  I had to realize he was helping and not say anything to him because at least he did laundry and folded it, even if he did not fold it the way I would have preferred he did.

I need to figure out how many concessions to give him, since he is transitioning back home, and what I need to not compromise on because it drives me crazy.  And, I need to remember to be grateful that he is safely home to drive me crazy

It’s a fine balance of what he wants to do, or what he prefers or needs versus what I want to do or prefer.  We both have to be aware of that and work together to balance things out, even for things as simple as how we spend our time, or what to have for dinner.  From my perspective, I try to very accommodating, not pushing him for right now.  We need to adjust to being part of a couple again, instead of being two people who for almost the past year were operating fairly independently of each other.

Tony is kinda home.  He is home in the sense that he is no longer overseas.  His feet are planted in our country.  We are in the same state, even the same time zone!  Tony is not home in the sense that he is not living in Lancaster yet.  He is living in a hotel, in Allentown, and we only see each other over the weekends.  This is a lonely sort of purgatory, this holding pattern.  I know he is safe, so that is not a concern.  But, we are not living together.  Tony hates talking on the phone, so I don’t get much conversation during the week.  He is doing fun things (golfing, hiking, dinners) with the other Marines there, but I am not part of that life during the week.  He is having fun without me, which makes me jealous (Disclaimer: He is entitled to fun.  He deserves it.  He does not have to spend every minute with me).  Yes, he is home, but not really.  Not just yet.

I am ready to start living life next to him again.

As you can imagine, now that Tony is home (well, in Allentown anyway), there are many questions I am asked.  I understand that people are curious, and care, and are trying to show their support.  In an effort to be real and honest, I am going to answer some of those more common questions I am always asked.  Some may say my answers are harsh, but again, I am being authentic, and not trying to offend anyone.

Common questions to not ask the spouse of a military member who just arrived home:

“What’s it like to have him home?” : If you have to ask, you wouldn’t understand. What do you think its like? Of course I’m going to say its great. I’m not going to go into the not so great things. I’m going to pretend everything is fine because that’s what you want to hear. I’m only going to be honest with my closest friends, those who have been in this situation and can relate and not judge, or listen and tell me that what’s going on is normal.

“What did he do over there? Did he shoot anyone?” : Really? Do you really want to know? I doubt you do. I purposefully don’t ask for details of what he did, so don’t ask me, because in all honesty I probably don’t know, and what I know is a small sliver of what really happened and what he really did. “Convoy security” is about all you are going to get from me, and I’m good with that.

“Is he home now for good?” : There is basically one answer here: I don’t know if he’s home for good and I certainly don’t want to have to think about him leaving again any time soon. With the military, you never know. I want to focus on the fact he is here now, and enjoy that, and not think about the potential of him leaving.

I know there are good intentions behind these questions, but it makes me cringe to be asked them.  I know asking questions show you care, but honestly, saying ” I’m glad to hear he’s home. I’ll continue to pray for you both through this transition” is just about sufficient. I know I’d appreciate not having to try to answer these other questions.  I am not trying to be harsh or come across as ungrateful for the support by writing this.  I am just trying to give you a glimpse into what some of those questions really mean to me.

After over 7 months, Tony is back in the States!

Friday, February 24th, I joined friends and family at Lehigh Valley International Airport to welcome Tony home.  His flight actually arrived a few minutes early, which made it even better!  Our families met with the SgtMaj at the unit, and then went over to the airport.  Tony’s Marine friends (both past and present), as well as some of their wives and girlfriends, met us there.  There were about 20 of us in the welcoming party!  We were armed with signs, and flags, and smiles!

I started to freak out when I was at the airport.  I was pacing, wringing my hands, checking the arrival screen.  It was the longest hour of my life.  I went to the bathroom at least twice to try to calm down and catch my breath.  Eventually, the screen said his flight arrived.  I stood near the exit gate, watching the feet of those coming down the escalator at the far end.  It was a long hallway, so I studied their feet, what they were carrying, and then their head, trying to decide if it was Tony.  Finally seeing him, I started to walk towards him, clapping.  He smiled, and then we embraced.  I clung to his neck, sobbing uncontrollably.  I couldn’t catch my breath.  It seemed unreal that he was really there, with me, and that this whole ordeal was over.  We walked back to his welcoming committee, where he was hugged and greeted by everyone.

We got his luggage, and went to a local restaurant for a late lunch and drinks.  We hung out all afternoon there, talking and having a good time reconnecting.  Tony was amazed that so many people would take off of work to come to greet him.

Here are some pictures, taken by my mom and our friends Adam and Tracie (Tony took our camera with him on this deployment, so I didn’t even have a camera with which to document his return!)

As promised, the banner hanging in the front of the house:

The best friend a girl could ask for!  Tracie helped keep me sane throughout these past 11 months with Tony being away for training and deployment.

The family at the airport:

Looking for him…..

There he is!!!!!!! Wait, is that a smile?!

Greeting my Marine

Yea!

Greeting the family

Tony’s niece and nephew helping him to push his gear to the car:

The welcoming committee at the restaurant:

Thank you to all who came to greet Tony and welcome him home!

List of things I have been working on this weekend in preparation for Tony’s arrival home:

Inside/outside of car washed (I was in my car Friday and looked around and thought “If Tony saw this car like this, he would freak out”.  Thus, my idea of car washing)

Pedicure (My long neglected toes need to look their best!)

Massage (To relieve my stress)

Gave Tank a bath (So he smells good for daddy’s arrival)

Hung up welcome home banner (Wahoo!  Shout out to mom and dad for helping with this.  I NEVER would have been able to do it by myself.  I’ll post pictures after he sees it)

Clean up the house (My definition of clean and Tony’s definition of clean are very different things.  So, I did some major spring cleaning and organizing)

Laundry all caught up, washed and put away

Some meals in the freezer (Tony eats WAY more than me….trying to prepare with some of his favorite things)